I'm not Fine. Hear Me Out!

Why didn’t he talk with his people?

How can such a successful, intellectual, intelligent man commit suicide?

Suicide is NOT the answer…..

You must have read all these statements quite frequently in the past few days since we all heard about the sad demise cum suicide of the very popular, intelligent, self-made, intellectual, Sushant Singh Rajpoot. A lot of us talked about ‘How important it is to talk about mental health in India’, ‘How important it is to talk and share your worries with your loved ones’, ‘How non-important our professional titles are in Life in general’. Didn’t we? 

Well, now I have a few questions to ask-

How many of you actually talk to your friends when they show depressive symptoms?

How many of you do you even know what the symptoms of depression are?

You said it quite easily on a Facebook status ‘reach out to me before thinking about suicide, I would love to hear your story’ but were you even listening when people in your life were actually telling you about something that might have taken their life?

‘We’re above our professional titles’- oh really! Would you like to marry off your daughter to an extremely well behaving, sincere, respectful boy if he’s earning half of what your daughter is? Would you? I can bet 90% of the parents out there won’t do that.

OR How many times have you chosen to go to the park with your kid instead of completing that deadline ‘because we’re much above our professions, right’?

‘But he was successful and he had a lot of money’ – They say it’s lonely at the top. Have you ever wondered that success is considered as a synonym for loneliness? Have you ever given it a though for even a microsecond?

‘He could’ve changed his profession if the industry did not support him, he was pretty intelligent. But suicide was the worst choice of all’- Yes, he was an IITian, he could’ve changed his profession, but why don’t you change your profession? He was at least good at what he was doing, you suck at your job. Yes, I’m talking to you.

We say a lot of things, we abuse a lot of juniors too, we too comment on the professionalism of our subordinates without thinking what they must be going through professionally or personally. And we, hence, are no one to comment on his decision of taking his own life. I don’t even want to imagine the destruction in thoughts he must be facing while he planned such a big step.

But all I would say is- we need to stop making judgements, stops passing statements without even following certain things in our own life. We all understand that it’s time to make a few changes in Life. We’re all pretty smart. Let’s be wise. Let’s lend a helping hand to an executive at work who’s facing issues with his targets, let’s hear out to people when they reach out to you, let’s not ignore the texts we receive because you will never know to what/who you’d blame if any such thing happen to somebody you’ve an unread text from.

Let’s stop teaching out kids to say ‘I’m fine’ when somebody asks ‘How’re you?’. Let’s teach them to share exactly how they feel, exactly how they’re rather than just saying ‘fine’ because Sushant would’ve replied the same a night before he took this step if a friend would’ve asked- How’re you?

I would not ask any one of you to reach out to me in case of help. You need to learn to talk to people in case you need help. We’ll not ask everyone we meet ‘how they truly are’, let’s create a loving vibe that people call you on your own to tell you how they are.

Spread love and happiness, share how you feel, cry out loud if you think that makes life easy for you because life is too short to say ‘I’m fine’.

-Love
Mani
#excerptsfrommydiary

Letting Go of Myself: Turning 26 (Part-1)

Life's tough after you cross your silver jubilee. I'm not really saying this because I've read this anywhere or heard people saying this to me. I'm saying this because I've been through it, felt it and am still under its aftereffects. I generally write this letter to my self every birthday but it seems like I am not in a state of mind to wait more to write for myself.

So, if you're reading this and you think you have any right to comment in the comment section at the end, leave right away because this letter my dear friend needs no pity and nor does this birthday girl.

----------------

Dear Mani,

I never thought that I will be spending my birthday month not being excited about it. You know the kind of person I'm, don't you? Because somehow, I'm not able to recognize my own self. Have I changed, really? Maybe, yes!

Because if I am counting 'how many days to go' with each passing day and not shouting it loud publicly, I think I have grown up. 

If I am no more interested in getting myself a fancy cake because let's admit, nobody really cares, I think I've grown up. 

Because if I can leave my super favourite dress at a store that I would've never left if it was my 25th year, I certainly must have either changed or grown up.

Life certainly has changed after crossing 25 and suddenly humans of any sort have started to turn awkward sources for me. This year not just has made me what I'm not, it has taught me the hard way that it is okay for you to trust people blindly for a day in future when they'll look at you wanting to prove them why they should believe in you. That the people you can die for can give you a clear chit of their priorities that does not include you. And the toughest thing I've learnt, it's that there will be times when you'll really want to explain to people about how you feel but humans these days don't even bother to give others the opportunity to speak. 

In a world full of people, I want you to know about the regrets that I have of misbehaving with people who were kind enough to take it. While all these years when I couldn't say a no to even things that I never wanted to do, I've learnt the art to say a no to people even when I really want things to happen. I suck bad!

It was hard but it was high time that I had to realise that my birthday is my birthday and none of their birthday and I need to keep it all inside. My excitement should be limited to my space, eyeing beautiful cakes online and not ordering any should be fine. Not buying the gift I promised myself months back because materialistic things suddenly seem worthless is okay. Being fake happy for the time that you no longer want is the art of living.

Dear 26th, you taught me a few tough lessons the hard way. And certainly have killed my zeal to be excited because I have no fucking idea whether I'm happy about it or really want to close my self in a room and just be on my own. Apparantly, I'm missing out on times  I used to be the most excited one from months before the big day. And sadly, I don't even want to be that either.

PS: Pooh waale bhaiya ko bhi aaj hi nahi hona tha. I deserved that Pooh shaped balloon at least. <heartbreak> Kyuki birthday girl ka dil to still bacha hai ji. <3

-Lots of Love and Happy 10 days to go

Mani

Yet Again!

Before you begin reading this, here are some points you should know:
1. This is a story from a boy's side. The narrator is a guy in this 40's. 
2. Some incindences are based on reality and are written with love.

Happy reading!


We went to a lot of trips together but this one was special. Special because there was something that this one changed. Not just for me but for both of us.

The memories are vivid but all I can remember is that I came out of a relationship with the woman of my dreams. Reasons were more of cliches than being actual reasons for the break-up that left me all broken and sad for a long time. But, every feeling has a lifespan. Mine had one too. I don't even remember exactly how long it took me to come out of her. I still missed talking to her, sharing things, my routines, gossips with her. I was still in touch with her in a vaguely awkward way, I still cared for her and still had a soft corner for her in my heart but deep down I knew it that it was over. I was over her. ❤️

I planned a trip with my family (cousins, to be clear) when my friends also intervened and got all included in the trip. Since all of us were young, too hot to handle, seekers of fun and knew each other pretty well, it wasn't actually a family kinda trip.

The trip went well and it was our last night at the resort. While everyone was actually asleep, I had something going on in my head.

Something that wasn't letting me sleep. While I had a lot of she-friends, there was something about her that wasn't what we or everyone supposed it to be. The way I felt about her wasn't even something I thought would happen to me all over again. And while everyone thought that I still wasn't over 'that one', I knew it at that again moment, I was actually over 'that one'. Because the pinching and thumping in my heart that wasn't letting me sleep that night wasn't for 'that one' this time. I knew it. If it was there, I knew it that it was for her. And if it was happening to me all over again, It could only be her. While I promised to stay 'that someone's' forever, I knew it now that if there was someone meant to be for me, it wasn't 'that one' but her.

They say you have to come out of a bad place to reach to a better and more deserving place. 'That one' wasn't a bad place either but wasn't home. But she felt like home. While it was with 'that one' that I had the best moments of my life and not her, I knew it that it was still her and not 'that one'. 

Somehow. Somehow. 

And, this thought wasn't ready to go out of my head when I got up, sat for like 5 minutes, threw the sheet away, wore my slippers, unlocked the door, thought for a second, locked it from outside, went straight to her room and knocked her door. And, I was all ready to go back after knocking for 5 times when the sound of the door getting unlocked touched my eardrums. I was glad that it was her and nobody else who opened the door but keeping my glad-feels aside, I end up asking, "walk?". It was 2.30 AM already when she looked at the clock above the TV in her room. Without a single thought, she sad "Okay" which out of her wasn't something I was actually expecting.  I was waiting outside that room to not disturb others who were sleeping there. She didn't take long and came out in a few minutes with a hoody because it was fairly cold outside. We passed through the corridors that smelled fog, passed through the reception area, the dining hall and finally descended the steps down to the open pool area with small tent sittings and a wide area that was more of a perfect setting that I could ever plan for her intentionally. The stars must have been smiling over us with no light of course through the foggy sky. And all this while when she was talking to me, I was only replying because again in my head I was listening to the silence in the corridoor, listening to our steps while we walked past the Reception areas and counted the steps that descended us to the pool area to actually stop what despite of all these efforts wasn't ready to leave my brain, the thought of 'us'.

And the absent-minded me came back to the real world when she actually asked me to stop walking and sit, "Baith jaaye ab? Mai neend se uthi hu, tu jaag raha tha!  Out of taras baith ja?" and she kept blabbering what not, which at that point of time was just a vibration that I could hear to. While she kept speaking, I was fighting with the urge of telling her what I was feeling and then was countering my own self with the thought of losing her. I was fighting, preparing a speech of what I would tell her if 'Go on, tell her!' wins over 'No, don't spoil this.' And while all this was playing in my head, suddenly, suddenly she came up with, "You know what, I like you. Okay more than just like! Do I love you? I think, Yes!".

I got numb which she took as a shock after what she told me and calmed me down with, "Don't worry! I haven't proposed you, I just felt like saying it and said it anyways". And when I was again struggling to tell her all that was still there in my head, she stopped me saying "Are abhi nahi zaruri hai jawab dena, kabhi haan ho to yaar shadi ke liye puch liyo seedha! Let's go and sleep for now!".

We came back and I couldn't tell her how much I was feeing the same way of what she was feeling. I just couldn't tell her what was eating up my head. I couldn't tell her about the debate I was trying to have while she spoke, won and took the trophy with her while I being the runner up was back in my bed but this time, I finally slept peacefully with a smile. (Losing isn't that bad everytime, trust me!)

Months passed, our conversations increased and so were my flights to Bangalore and her flights to Delhi but I could just not tell her. Everytime I wanted to text "I love you", I received the same from her seconds before I dared to press the send button and all I ended up texting was that 'dark red heart'

Maybe, confessing wasn't important for me. Maybe, she always had this vibe from me that we actuallly are together even after me not saying what I was supposed to. Maybe, this is was what I fell in love with, yet again or for the first time maybe! I never said 'I love you' but finally asked her to marry me 5 years, 4 months, 23 days after she won the trophy that day but never said 'I love you'.

But I think today I will finally tell her. It isn't too tough. We are married for like from 7 years now!

18th Feb'18: 

While I was writing yesterday, she came from behind hugged me and said 'I Love You' and you know what followed next?

Yes?

No?

I just smiled back like always. ❤️

3AM Conversations!

She1: But what if he ever comes to you to say 'I love you'?

She2: That's never happening, babe!

She1: Why?

She2: Because as much as I know that he is exactly the kind of person I always wanted or desired or wished for, I am exactly the opposite kind of person he would ever fall for. You can call it 'Side effects of knowing a person inside-out' but I exactly know what/what kind he want in his life. And, being pretty clear about it, I know that's not me. 

The one thing that I still can not believe is how can someone be exactly the kind I wanted. I sometimes think that "Okay, he lacks this!" and you would not believe me but the very mext moment I see him doing/saying things I wanted to see him do/listen to.

I know! I know, I sound strangely mad but being bad with words, I can't exactly tell you the things I've felt here in my heart. (Touches her chest right above her heart.)

She1: But, what if it ever happens? What will you do?

She2: I might laugh at him!

She1: Done with your jokes? Now, tell me clearly, what will you do? (Sounding irritated)

She2: But I am not cracking a joke. That's true....

She1: Sshhh! Answer!

She2: See, you are not getting me. When I say, I am not being funny, you've to trust me on this because the fact is that the thought of rejection is so strongly imbibed inside me that I could never really imagine this part of the story ever. I know it sounds strange but I have never really imagined a future with him because the very initiation of this imagination rings that 'that's never gonna happen' bell inside my heart that leaves me with nothing but all tears. And a heart that's not strong enough to accept the fact that 'it's never gonna happen' doesn't really allow me to take a step forward and confess my feelings to him.

She1: And, what are you planning to do then? Will you never tell him that you love him?

She2: No! You know the heights till which I can keep my emotions inside and safely intact. You know exactly the number of times I've fallen ill because of this habit of bottling up my feelings inside. 

You know exactly how I don't react to certain things in life. And, you also know that I'll be all well till the time I am keeping everything within because you exactly know what 'hurt-monster' I am gonna turn into if I say things out clearly.

Last, that 0.00001% of misconception that he might also feel the same for me is enough to feel good and live a happy life than knowing the 99.9999% fact that he's nowhere on this track.

Life is all about convincing yourself that it's okay. And, it's okay.

She1: But still, keh do na!

She2 (At the top of her voice): Keh do na, Keh do na, You are my Soniya. Tin tin tin, tin tidin tin, tin tin tin, tidin tin tin. ❤️

**She1 joined that ugly singer in Keh do na and the conversation ended with a long hug.**

Love makes you do all the idiotic things in life but she never thought that it would make her sing 'Keh do na, Keh do na, You are my Soniya' at the loudest of her voice at 3 AM. 

Happy Anniversary you two!

Marriages happen every day, but this one was special because it was yours!!

I wrote this poem a day before one of my other-halves (Mani(sha)) got married. It was a heartfelt desire to be there at her wedding but things don't always work out the way we want. I gifted her this poem on the same day I wrote it for her but it's her 1st anniversary today and here I am re-living those moments of 'not being there at her D-Day'.

Here it goes:

Even if I am not
My heart is there
With you, by your side
Smiling at you, as you turn into a bride.


Even if I am not, 
My heart is there 
With you as you walk through
Walk through the isle as a graceful bride

Even if I am not
My heart is there
With you as you climb up the stage
To beautifully pen a story on your life's new page

Even if I am not,
My heart is there
With you when you exchange your wedding vows
Smiling calmly as your love for your mate grows!

Even if I am not,
My heart is there
With you as you see you siblings hiding his shoes
Trust me I can imagine it all, as every thought of you is my imagination's muse!

Even if I am not,
My soul is there with you
Having tears in the eyes
As you bid adieu!

Even if I am not,
My heart is there
With you, by your side
As you turn into a beautiful bride!

PS: I couldn't write anything new to wish you a happy 1st anniversary but this post is a wish along with a gentle reminder of the importance you have in my life. Love you now and forever. <3

He-She stories: If Only.

"How does the life of your dreams 10 years from now looks like?", he asked her.

It was a breezy winter evening and they were tired as hell after trekking all the way up the hill with the group. Everyone was busy singing and dancing on the tunes some were singing and others playing around the born fire while both of them, tired after their first trek sneaked their way out to a silent corner away from all the noise and hustle bustle that was there near the camp. Though she wanted to be a part of the party that was going on, she didn't wanted to leave him alone there. He on the other hand wasn't ready to join it and forced her not once, twice but for like fifty times to go ahead and have fun.

"You go first", she replied.

His answer was very much she expected it to be. Being an orphan, he always craved for a family and thus wanted to raise a beautiful one. He wanted to get married by 30, have two kids preferably a girl and a boy, two girls would have been great too and having two boys was the last thing he wanted in his life. 

"I will name my daughter Myra and son Ryan if only I have a daughter and a son. Though I haven't thought much about how my home would look like, I will certainly prefer having a french window on one side of my bed so that I can wake up from with the dance of sunrays on my face. And yes, I will have a cat and I will cuddle her a lot on Sundays because I afterall will be busy on the weekdays (atleast this is what I expect, being busy in work!). No? And...Umm I will also make pancakes for all of them on Sundays and we'll call them 'Sundakes' like Sunday and Pancakes together. Gotcha?" So, family. I want to have a family I would love with all my heart. Enough about me!

Now, tell me about yours, you blonde idiot.

"Hahaha! Okay, so, I never planned it but one thing I am sure of is my life is never gonna be like yours. You know how awkward I am with kids and how much I hate cooking. Also, staying at a single place for all my life? No! I can't do that. I have a gypsy soul and you know that. I don't know if it's possible but I would prefer roaming around all my life. I won't stay at a place for long, I will travel and will learn languages, I'll sing songs in languages that I don't even know exist and will never eat the same food again. Also, a dog. Yes, a dog would be pretty cool to have as a pet so I am gonna have one. But, I won't be living in villages okay? Because I love crowd. So, I would prefer living on the first floor apartment on a busy street where I could wake up not with the early sunrise but with the smell of food that local shops would start selling every morning before I even wake up. Because food is bae. ❤ And, while you are gonna turn into a man with a pot-belly in his mid thirties, I would be a fit-fine sexy woman, exactly the way I am right now.

---

If only they knew that the arrow the mischievous cupid threw not only hit him but hit her too. 

If only they knew that if his heart was beating drums inside, her heart's strings were playing too.

If only they knew if staring at each other secretly was a mutual past-time too.

If only they knew that it wasn't just him who was shy but a girl so chirpy like her was afraid of confessing her feelings too.

Love would have got a chance to create magic. But, life happened and cupid was all sad wondering what went wrong with the arrows he wasted on both of them.

The dreams they shared years back sitting at the cliff were accomplished, they were living exactly how they wanted to live their life. 

He was travelling every now and then to a new country to live with a whole new set of people, learning languages, singing their songs, eating local food, talking endlessly with random people that he met sometime at the tea shops or during evening jogs (Yes, he stayed all fit, fine and sexy in his mid-thirties) or while he was walking his dog down the street of the first floor apartment that he rented in every other city in a busy street where the smell of food could wake him up instead of the morning sun.

She on the other hand, a l'il chubby was happily married and was raising a lovely family. She loved her husband with all her heart and had two beautiful kids, Ryan and Myra (She always smiled thinking about their names because she knew that she cheated him by copying the names of the kids he always wanted his daughter and son to have). 

If only she knew that he never had kids that he could name Myra and Ryan, wondered the cupid.

She loved waking up with the filtered rays of sun tickling her every morning from the curtains on her window and cooked pancakes for the family every Sunday which the family celebrated as a ritual called 'Sundakes' and then cuddle her cat for atleast half an hour because she couldn't spend much time with her on weekdays due to work.

Yes, they were living exactly the way they wanted to. He was living the life of her dreams and she was happy in the life he always wanted to have because both of them secretly wished to live the other way round when they saw a shooting star across the sky sitting on that cliff with coffee mugs in their hands to keep them warm discussing 'How the life of their dreams 10 years from now looks like?'

He-She Stories: The Confused Twenties!

He: Hey, how are you?

She: I am confused!

He: Oh! I can understand. This is the age of confusion. Everything, your job, your objectives in life, your hobbies, your desires from people, from life will confuse you. You will be sure of everything at one moment and will realise the very next moment that it doesn't interests you anymore. You could be all sure of the job you are doing, all set with your plans for the next 5-years and a sudden mishappening or a simple questioncould turn you into a clueless soul that is again searching for both peace and fresh motives. 

The book you'll love today might start suffocating you the other day round because you can no longer relate to 'Emma' as she is in a relationship all happily singing and dancing on the romantic numbers in the book you are reading and you on the other hand just had a break-up and all Emma is doing at the moment is reminding of that idiot who left you for that stupid new girl in his office. 

The ice cream you like today might no longer seem nice because you have developed a better taste for blueberry than chocolate chip which you have loved all your life. 

Food, boyfriends and job is still manageable but friends, yes, you will lose many of them, a lot many people will enter your life and you might have a new set of people with you celebrating your 25th birthday who were not even bearable till the 24th. 

But, hell yeah! We are living an age of confusions! Every other day, it is the new set of desires that I have from life that give birth to a whole new bundle of fears and confusions I fight daily with. But I guess that's okay. I guess that's a part of growing up. I guess that's a part of knowing our own selves.

They say 'teens' is an age of making mistakes. You make a lot of mistakes and eventually enter your twenties with a lot of hard-learned lessons. I believe twenties is an age of confusions, you are confused about anything and everything and all these confusions eventually help you enter your thirties with a level of maturity that life demands. 

And even if you don't, even if you take time, even if you are not sure of your likes, dislikes, aims, what to do and what not to do's, you have all the time to make mistakes again and learn from them because this is what life wants to teach us maybe. To never loose hope, to try, to fall, to rise again, to make mistakes, to sought them out, to stay calm, to focus, to understand, to work hard, to learn and to be happy, to make others happy. Maybe that's what life wants us to learn, the lessons or the secrets to happiness. And maybe that is all we need, 'happiness' in whatever we do, 'happiness' in what we want and 'happiness' in what we want to be. Maybe that will make all the difference!

Maybe OR Maybe not!

She: I am at Haristo and was confused whether to have Pizza or Pasta for dinner. 

He: Oh! 

She: I am so bad at making decisions. I am so bad at dealing with my life. What the hell am I doing with my life? Working like an idiot all day and night to get crap in the name of salary at the end of the month. And Rahul, how can he be happy with that bitch Sumedha.....................blah blah blah!

AND while she got all carried away with his lecture on 'The Confused Twenties', her Pasta and Pizza cried in the corner. (Yes, the hungry 'She' ordered both.)

Places like this!

Yes, I am from a generation that prefers night outs, loud music, drenching in the sweat while dancing on those funky fashionable songs. But, I still prefer sitting at a place like this, with a person, talking to him/her, knowing about him/her sipping the freshly brewed coffee, inhaling all the positivity that comes from conversations that take place at places like this. 

.

I belong to that generation that I won't mind even if I am sitting here with a book, knowing its characters, falling in love with the people in the book, appreciating the words, living a life that the author wanted his/her reader to go through.
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Also, if not with a book or a person to talk to, trust me minding here sitting alone will be the last thought that will come up in my head. Appreciating the flavor of the coffee, observing people around and falling in love with my solitude will be my preference because I don't belong to a generation of parties, I belong to a generation of conversations, patience, and solitude.

Story Of a FIReFLY and a BUD...!!

A beautiful bud
Alone she was
No friend buds she had
her proud might be the cause!

But one day came a firefly
They became friends by the wish of god
Friendship started with a simple 'Hi'
This time she wasn't fraud!

No more proud
No more harsh she was
Their friendship was turning to love
when their came a pause!

One day due to a small fight
He cursed her and went away
She send other flies to find him right
But he was out of everybody's sight!

For days and weeks she kept on trying
Tears kept rolling , she started to lack
realised his mistake he decided to came back
entered her field, with realization he cried
Broke down when saw that while waiting for him SHE DIED!!