I'm not Fine. Hear Me Out!

Why didn’t he talk with his people?

How can such a successful, intellectual, intelligent man commit suicide?

Suicide is NOT the answer…..

You must have read all these statements quite frequently in the past few days since we all heard about the sad demise cum suicide of the very popular, intelligent, self-made, intellectual, Sushant Singh Rajpoot. A lot of us talked about ‘How important it is to talk about mental health in India’, ‘How important it is to talk and share your worries with your loved ones’, ‘How non-important our professional titles are in Life in general’. Didn’t we? 

Well, now I have a few questions to ask-

How many of you actually talk to your friends when they show depressive symptoms?

How many of you do you even know what the symptoms of depression are?

You said it quite easily on a Facebook status ‘reach out to me before thinking about suicide, I would love to hear your story’ but were you even listening when people in your life were actually telling you about something that might have taken their life?

‘We’re above our professional titles’- oh really! Would you like to marry off your daughter to an extremely well behaving, sincere, respectful boy if he’s earning half of what your daughter is? Would you? I can bet 90% of the parents out there won’t do that.

OR How many times have you chosen to go to the park with your kid instead of completing that deadline ‘because we’re much above our professions, right’?

‘But he was successful and he had a lot of money’ – They say it’s lonely at the top. Have you ever wondered that success is considered as a synonym for loneliness? Have you ever given it a though for even a microsecond?

‘He could’ve changed his profession if the industry did not support him, he was pretty intelligent. But suicide was the worst choice of all’- Yes, he was an IITian, he could’ve changed his profession, but why don’t you change your profession? He was at least good at what he was doing, you suck at your job. Yes, I’m talking to you.

We say a lot of things, we abuse a lot of juniors too, we too comment on the professionalism of our subordinates without thinking what they must be going through professionally or personally. And we, hence, are no one to comment on his decision of taking his own life. I don’t even want to imagine the destruction in thoughts he must be facing while he planned such a big step.

But all I would say is- we need to stop making judgements, stops passing statements without even following certain things in our own life. We all understand that it’s time to make a few changes in Life. We’re all pretty smart. Let’s be wise. Let’s lend a helping hand to an executive at work who’s facing issues with his targets, let’s hear out to people when they reach out to you, let’s not ignore the texts we receive because you will never know to what/who you’d blame if any such thing happen to somebody you’ve an unread text from.

Let’s stop teaching out kids to say ‘I’m fine’ when somebody asks ‘How’re you?’. Let’s teach them to share exactly how they feel, exactly how they’re rather than just saying ‘fine’ because Sushant would’ve replied the same a night before he took this step if a friend would’ve asked- How’re you?

I would not ask any one of you to reach out to me in case of help. You need to learn to talk to people in case you need help. We’ll not ask everyone we meet ‘how they truly are’, let’s create a loving vibe that people call you on your own to tell you how they are.

Spread love and happiness, share how you feel, cry out loud if you think that makes life easy for you because life is too short to say ‘I’m fine’.

-Love
Mani
#excerptsfrommydiary

जग-बीती

और फिर हुआ यूँ कि,
कैद होगया इंसान
बंद दरवाज़ों में
और जीने लगी वो कुदरत
जिसका घर उजाड़ हमने अपने मकान बनाये थे।

दूरियां बढ़ाते बढ़ाते तनहा होगया इंसान
और गुमशुदा थे जो पंछी,
बिछड़े अपनों से जाने कब से,
लौट आने लगे थे अपने ही घरो में।
जहाँ वो हर सुबह चहकना फिर से सीख रहे थे,
कुछ घबरा कुछ शरमा रहे थे
एक इंसान था जिसे
झरोखो से झांकना फिर से सीखना पढ़ रहा था।

कौन गरीब कौन अमीर इन इंसानो में,
सोचने लगे थे वो पंछी
जो आजकल हर इंसान को
बंद कमरों में अपना-अपना हाथ बटाते
बस देख ही रहे थे।

मानो समय कि काया कुछ यूँ पलटी,
कि चिड़ियाघर की जगह अब इंसान घर में कैद
और चिड़िया आसमान में
खुली सांस ले रही थी, उड़ रही थी, नाच-गा रही थी।
सखियों संग अपनी
तरह तरह के इंसान-घरो का निरिक्षण कर रही थी
कि देख ओ सखी -
ये इंसान ऐसे जीता है
और वो इंसान वैसे जीता है ।

वो वक़्त था,
न धर्म था, न मोह, न शक्ति, न राजनीति ।
ज़िन्दगी खुश थी आज फ़िर,
क्योंकि इंसान और कुदरत के बीच का संतुलन सामान कर
वो सूत्रधार बन आज फ़िर लिख रही थी - जग-बीती ।

A little piece of hope - Quarantine #21daystogo #Lockdown

Dear World, 

It still feels weird to believe.

Many are still not aware of how badly they’re risking their lives.

A lot of you panicked, most of you are worried.

Many are stuck at chaotic places, many are dying to be with the ones they love.

There’s you who’ve found a family in a room full of strangers, there are those who are not relieved with the virtual hugs and tears they are only able to receive over a video call.

I said no to share my wi-fi because 'work' and what about MY JOB? Hello, I also am on Work From Home.

But there are people sharing the last piece of bread they are left with because humanity comes first.

Yes! We are facing a situation that 99% of us have only seen in movies or have heard from our grandparents, maybe. And while I write this, I have researched on the age that an average human these days lives for. 72.2 years it is (as per wiki). And then there are those lives that haven’t yet completed a decade in this world and are at most risk because doctors and internet and researchers and medical practitioners say that kids under 10 are at risk because of immunity issues. But we also have our grandparents and parents and uncles and aunts who’re close to the age that an average human lives for and we’re afraid of losing them. We are still taking care of them the most because 'Love'. <3

And while I say it, we are at no less risk if we don’t stay aware, alert and follow the legible instructions as given by experts. 

We are facing a pandemic and we have no idea how long it’s going to take to end this. Most of us are no experts, we can’t even be 100% sure if the sanitizer that we are using day and night is worth it. We don’t know the When(s) and Why(s) and for how long can we use a certain type of mask. All we know is ‘Oh god! I managed to order my N95 mask’ like it’s a magic drug that’s going save the world. We are of no use to the medical research industry, we are of no use to the patients because not everyone can pitch in to let’s just say – nursing. 

  

But the most that we can do and must do at this time is to stay in our own space. Quarantine it is. And while I ask you to maintain social distancing, I request you to be there with the ones who need us over a call or a text. All we can do is ignore all the supposedly knowledgeable articles or sometimes memes and all those WhatsApp shared texts unless we have done our bit of research on it. Let’s not blindly follow anything and everything that we’re asked to. Let’s be a little aware, wash our hands timely (because the researchers recommended so), use a sanitizer (let’s assume that we all have a good and useful one at our homes), allow our house helps to also stay at their homes, help out moms or guardians with any or every kind of help that they need from us, avoid eating junk, cut variations from our meals, eat decent fulfilling food because we don’t know how long this lockdown is gonna last and just pray that the world heals soon and we win over this teeny tiny virus that’s giving each one of us nightmares.

Let’s hope it will be over soon. 

Nothing’s gonna happen to our jobs. And even if something bad happens, remember - जान है तो जहान है!

Let’s fight back the 'non-violent way'. Let’s not panic, let’s be a ray of hope for people who need us. 

Things are going to turn much worse, be ready for it. Be emotionally strong. 

Pray for world health. Pray for the loved ones who are away from home. Pray that they find a home away from home. 

Cut down 100% on wasting food and basic necessities of life because you have no idea who’s dying because you wasted a piece of bread yesterday. 

Eat healthy, save up most your salary this month for situations may turn worse. This is not a time to shop every useless thing because ‘Hey, I won’t be using my salary this month because #lockdown’. 

And maybe what everyone’s out there is saying that this is nature’s way of bringing all of us on the right track is right. Maybe life’s giving all of the stressed souls a chance to rejuvenate and work on their hobbies. Maybe life’s giving us a chance to ignore our pets a little less for a few days of WFH that we’ve all got. Maybe life’s giving us a chance to talk to our parents like we used to when we were kids, listen to their stories, bringing up-to-date with what happened to you four months, 15 days, 13.5 hours before on how that bitch at work took advantage of you being a sweetface. Maybe mother Earth is truly getting a good time healing itself. Those dolphins coming back to Italy might be a fake news, but the low pollution levels (if at ‘al this one’s true news) will definitely help the planet heal. 

Stay aware, stay happy and stay safe and remember – This too shall pass. 

Love and hope, 

Mani

PS: I might be writing a little frequently for a few days. Keep checking for hope. :)

A few extra Pounds here and there!

Hey,

From being a poser to the utter level of discomfort I started to feel while getting clicked. From being a careless foodie to skipping dinners. From a folder full of happy and laugh it out loud pictures to fake smiling ones. Nothing was quick, nothing impacted me just one sad day but it all began to transcend me towards something that might have led to depression if not well taken care of.

But I'm fine. 100% fine. It's been almost a half year old story that has finally gotten time to come out online at a place that feels as close as my own heart. Because You might have heard a number of weight loss stories but there certainly are a lot of weight gain stories as well. Yes, there were sleepless nights. Yes, crying myself to sleep began to happen. You might not feel the depth of the feelings I went through but thinking about leaving something I live for isn't easy. For you it might be a few people. I also have people in my life I love to the core but it isn't a break-up story. This, my dear friend is the story of turning 64 kgs which did not happen over night.

Taking strong decisions isn't tough when you only have people hitting you with- you're turning CHUBBY. It's tougher when you have people saying, "But, it's just 65 kgs. You're all fine! " along with a few reminding you of every inch you gain. Hey, you can stop reading if you find this non-sense but to somebody who starts to not fit into their favourite clothing, it hurts. And there, neither you reminding her how fat she's turning day by day or you sympathising that 'it's all cool' will work. Because- Hello, I've got mirrors in all the rooms of my house and I can see that.

It went on and on. I skipped meals but then there were days when 'it's all cool took me to have Pasta' or when mommy emphasized more on 'Ek roti se mote nahi hote' or when my love for food crossed my craving control level and I had it all. Burped, smiled and came back home all satisfied but still cried to sleep. You get habbits, some are good and some are bad. Some turn into addictions. Mine was a bad habbit for some and a happy-moment for me.

Then I exercised but try this- Riding a two-wheeler for 60+ kms per day to and fro to work, get irritated, fight with your cravings to eat everything that your instagram food feed shows you, get more irritated, skip meals, have your periods sometime, bring your work back home because hello-overachievement amma karegi tumhari, try to read because you somewhere deep down love it but no more enjoy it, get more irritated, have a permanent demotivation called a younger brother reminding and laughing everytime you try and jog, putting your alarms off early morning at your exercise time because raat me 1 bje sokar 6 bje uthkar exercise kar ke kitne din jee paoge, take stress, try hard to sleep but have sleep deprived nights, get more stressed, more irritated, have nobody who could come to you to ask 'what's wrong?', spoil your personal relations, fight with your wants of coming home and gossiping with your family and instead sitk silently in you room and stare at your fan running at the speed of approximately 482 rounds per minute. Yes, I counted it.

It's easy for some. I tried 5 times, 3 days every time. Gave up on the 4th day, asked to rest by mom because when only she is noticing your - darkening dark circles, turned on lights at 4 in the morning, consistent not talking to anybody at home, buying more and more over-sized clothes and getting them altered for just in case you turn more fat so you can get them loosen up a little in the months to come to fit into them, any concerned mom would ask you to rest. My mom also loves me no matter how chubby (no self body shaming) I get. And then there was Pasta ordered as a symbol of love by my mom. No hard feelings, I love her the most for loving me always and always understanding my love for food over everything in life. C'mon I asked her, "Mumma but what will we eat till you stay at the hospital" when she was in labour during my younger brother's birth. She knows it. Nobody else knows or can understand my emotions with food better than her.

And then from bulging out belly fat to pehenwan jaise bare biceps in sleevless dresses to stopping to breathe while taking pictures to using apps to fix side body fat to a slow and steady discomfort in taking pictures to not liking pictures that others take because motape-ki-reality is not easy to accept to turn nervous even to smile because multiple fat-shaming thoughts running in your mind while there's somebody with a camera in hand handing you the phone saying 'Bohot le li, aur nahi bas ki' while I was still not satisfied with any single picture kyuki aise fake smiling pictures ki aadat nahi thi na.

I never wanted to be hot, not beautiful, not glamorous, not pleasing or any of those words. I just liked to get dressed up all good and comfortably decent with a chataak lipstic (Because I love it and not because I seek complements) and be HAPPY. But as far as the hotness and outside beauty was degrading (because Fat-aa-paa) from already zero level towards the negative lines, my happiness level started to fall down. And nothing but that impacted me the most. You know what- it's easy to say that I love myself but if you know me even a teeny tiny bit, you must know that I LOVE MYSELF to the core and beyond that, that knowing that I am not happy broke me up every single day.

And then it wasn't 'fat' that was the problem, it was more of why is it impacting my happiness level kyuki utni bhi moti nahi hu mai. It is a shitty reason but it's not when combined with multiple disasters taking place in your life side by side. Overthinking everything worsened it all. A few more happennings that I don't think will fit well in this particular blog because 'attached sentiments'.

Present day LIFE update-

• I've started dieting. Not hard core dieting but light diet. I eat healthy all day, skip having roti in dinner, eat everything I want to one day every week.
• Dalhousie and a few painted stones at Zostel particularly motivated me to paint. I have painted quite a lot in the last few days, it has really helped me lighten up my mood.
• After repetedly watching FRIENDS for n number of times, I saw it all twice during that phase and it was the only great part about that time but I have now started watching The Modern Family and anyone and everyone who thinks that they have a special place in their heart for their family must watch it. I'm on season-2 episode-12. I hope I finish it unlike all those half read books.
• I have self improvement plans for the coming time. I hope I have the mood to keep the zeal alive.
• I have shed 3 kgs in a few days and might have gained back 0.5 kg today. Silly Bhukkad me!
• I don't want a full length solo till I'm back to my real smiling self. Clicking everyday happy selfies is boosting me up kyuki- I know, smile meri kaatilaana toh hai. Tumhare liye na sahi! Mere liye.
• Painting has helped me really really reallllllly to a great extent. If you have any spare and empty liquor bottles, please donate. I'll paint them nice and gift them back to you. ❤️
• I understand that health is important but not at the cost of taking away your happiness. But you know what, my love for myself is beyond every craving I've ever had. And this self realisation is something I had recently. So, the diet. And not because I was turning fat. Because a few extra pounds wasn't hurting but a hurt heart was hurting more.

After a month of self-help, I think I'm almost back on my kinda life track. Hoping to be back 100% soon for the sake of my own self because I know nobody's waiting. And that's the best part of self healing.

Working towards living a happy life. If you've reached till the end, please don't comment. I appreciate that you stopped by! ❤️

-Almost Happy
Mani

Turning 26: Part 2

Hi Mani,

First things first, Happy Birthday. You're awesome and I love you.

Life you know is what happens when you are busy planning and I was silly enough to believe I'd be writing this letter from the blue city of Jodhpur. But nothing worked out and here I'm being the only one I have this birthday.

Turning 26 was difficult a month back and is more diffficult when I'm actually on the verge of it. But somehow the difficulties changed overnight. A month back while I was facing issues of being vocal about my own self and about the way I feel and about slowly getting detached from everyone around, the feelings now have tuend upside down. With the loss of a dear one, the zeal of birthday has mostly faded but as you know it well, I've always loved myself the most and because mommy said, " What's gone is gone. We are extremely sad and shattered with the loss but for someone who's up with the stars, we can't forget the one alive. Life goes on. Be glad that you could survive for one more year all healthy".

On one side while the loss dumped my excitement before I even knew something like this would happen, I apparently realised that life's small, that this might be my last day on Earth or last month or last year or maybe not. But I should live to the most. So that, the day they put that garland on my picture, everyone atleast is having one satisfcation that she lived a 1000 years in this life of hers no matter how small or long it turns out to be.

So, I don't know whether you call me heartless or insane or somebody who's more of a stone, I would still prefer to keep the zeal of my birthday alive because I know the one we lost would have never wanted to be a cause of such a sad birthday. We all loved him and he'll always live in our memories but together with that I'm glad that I could live one more amazing or whatever kinda year, learnt more about life, love, desires, demands and goals and more and more about life. Happy birthday to me and to you. Many more beautiful years full of lessons and happiness to us.

May this year we be whatever we want to be and do whatever we want to do with a smile on every face around us. Let's be happy and spread happiness.

-Love
Mani