Hey,
From being a poser to the utter level of discomfort I started to feel while getting clicked. From being a careless foodie to skipping dinners. From a folder full of happy and laugh it out loud pictures to fake smiling ones. Nothing was quick, nothing impacted me just one sad day but it all began to transcend me towards something that might have led to depression if not well taken care of.
But I'm fine. 100% fine. It's been almost a half year old story that has finally gotten time to come out online at a place that feels as close as my own heart. Because You might have heard a number of weight loss stories but there certainly are a lot of weight gain stories as well. Yes, there were sleepless nights. Yes, crying myself to sleep began to happen. You might not feel the depth of the feelings I went through but thinking about leaving something I live for isn't easy. For you it might be a few people. I also have people in my life I love to the core but it isn't a break-up story. This, my dear friend is the story of turning 64 kgs which did not happen over night.
Taking strong decisions isn't tough when you only have people hitting you with- you're turning CHUBBY. It's tougher when you have people saying, "But, it's just 65 kgs. You're all fine! " along with a few reminding you of every inch you gain. Hey, you can stop reading if you find this non-sense but to somebody who starts to not fit into their favourite clothing, it hurts. And there, neither you reminding her how fat she's turning day by day or you sympathising that 'it's all cool' will work. Because- Hello, I've got mirrors in all the rooms of my house and I can see that.
It went on and on. I skipped meals but then there were days when 'it's all cool took me to have Pasta' or when mommy emphasized more on 'Ek roti se mote nahi hote' or when my love for food crossed my craving control level and I had it all. Burped, smiled and came back home all satisfied but still cried to sleep. You get habbits, some are good and some are bad. Some turn into addictions. Mine was a bad habbit for some and a happy-moment for me.
Then I exercised but try this- Riding a two-wheeler for 60+ kms per day to and fro to work, get irritated, fight with your cravings to eat everything that your instagram food feed shows you, get more irritated, skip meals, have your periods sometime, bring your work back home because hello-overachievement amma karegi tumhari, try to read because you somewhere deep down love it but no more enjoy it, get more irritated, have a permanent demotivation called a younger brother reminding and laughing everytime you try and jog, putting your alarms off early morning at your exercise time because raat me 1 bje sokar 6 bje uthkar exercise kar ke kitne din jee paoge, take stress, try hard to sleep but have sleep deprived nights, get more stressed, more irritated, have nobody who could come to you to ask 'what's wrong?', spoil your personal relations, fight with your wants of coming home and gossiping with your family and instead sitk silently in you room and stare at your fan running at the speed of approximately 482 rounds per minute. Yes, I counted it.
It's easy for some. I tried 5 times, 3 days every time. Gave up on the 4th day, asked to rest by mom because when only she is noticing your - darkening dark circles, turned on lights at 4 in the morning, consistent not talking to anybody at home, buying more and more over-sized clothes and getting them altered for just in case you turn more fat so you can get them loosen up a little in the months to come to fit into them, any concerned mom would ask you to rest. My mom also loves me no matter how chubby (no self body shaming) I get. And then there was Pasta ordered as a symbol of love by my mom. No hard feelings, I love her the most for loving me always and always understanding my love for food over everything in life. C'mon I asked her, "Mumma but what will we eat till you stay at the hospital" when she was in labour during my younger brother's birth. She knows it. Nobody else knows or can understand my emotions with food better than her.
And then from bulging out belly fat to pehenwan jaise bare biceps in sleevless dresses to stopping to breathe while taking pictures to using apps to fix side body fat to a slow and steady discomfort in taking pictures to not liking pictures that others take because motape-ki-reality is not easy to accept to turn nervous even to smile because multiple fat-shaming thoughts running in your mind while there's somebody with a camera in hand handing you the phone saying 'Bohot le li, aur nahi bas ki' while I was still not satisfied with any single picture kyuki aise fake smiling pictures ki aadat nahi thi na.
I never wanted to be hot, not beautiful, not glamorous, not pleasing or any of those words. I just liked to get dressed up all good and comfortably decent with a chataak lipstic (Because I love it and not because I seek complements) and be HAPPY. But as far as the hotness and outside beauty was degrading (because Fat-aa-paa) from already zero level towards the negative lines, my happiness level started to fall down. And nothing but that impacted me the most. You know what- it's easy to say that I love myself but if you know me even a teeny tiny bit, you must know that I LOVE MYSELF to the core and beyond that, that knowing that I am not happy broke me up every single day.
And then it wasn't 'fat' that was the problem, it was more of why is it impacting my happiness level kyuki utni bhi moti nahi hu mai. It is a shitty reason but it's not when combined with multiple disasters taking place in your life side by side. Overthinking everything worsened it all. A few more happennings that I don't think will fit well in this particular blog because 'attached sentiments'.
Present day LIFE update-
After a month of self-help, I think I'm almost back on my kinda life track. Hoping to be back 100% soon for the sake of my own self because I know nobody's waiting. And that's the best part of self healing.
Working towards living a happy life. If you've reached till the end, please don't comment. I appreciate that you stopped by! ❤️
-Almost Happy
Mani
From being a poser to the utter level of discomfort I started to feel while getting clicked. From being a careless foodie to skipping dinners. From a folder full of happy and laugh it out loud pictures to fake smiling ones. Nothing was quick, nothing impacted me just one sad day but it all began to transcend me towards something that might have led to depression if not well taken care of.
But I'm fine. 100% fine. It's been almost a half year old story that has finally gotten time to come out online at a place that feels as close as my own heart. Because You might have heard a number of weight loss stories but there certainly are a lot of weight gain stories as well. Yes, there were sleepless nights. Yes, crying myself to sleep began to happen. You might not feel the depth of the feelings I went through but thinking about leaving something I live for isn't easy. For you it might be a few people. I also have people in my life I love to the core but it isn't a break-up story. This, my dear friend is the story of turning 64 kgs which did not happen over night.
It went on and on. I skipped meals but then there were days when 'it's all cool took me to have Pasta' or when mommy emphasized more on 'Ek roti se mote nahi hote' or when my love for food crossed my craving control level and I had it all. Burped, smiled and came back home all satisfied but still cried to sleep. You get habbits, some are good and some are bad. Some turn into addictions. Mine was a bad habbit for some and a happy-moment for me.
Then I exercised but try this- Riding a two-wheeler for 60+ kms per day to and fro to work, get irritated, fight with your cravings to eat everything that your instagram food feed shows you, get more irritated, skip meals, have your periods sometime, bring your work back home because hello-overachievement amma karegi tumhari, try to read because you somewhere deep down love it but no more enjoy it, get more irritated, have a permanent demotivation called a younger brother reminding and laughing everytime you try and jog, putting your alarms off early morning at your exercise time because raat me 1 bje sokar 6 bje uthkar exercise kar ke kitne din jee paoge, take stress, try hard to sleep but have sleep deprived nights, get more stressed, more irritated, have nobody who could come to you to ask 'what's wrong?', spoil your personal relations, fight with your wants of coming home and gossiping with your family and instead sitk silently in you room and stare at your fan running at the speed of approximately 482 rounds per minute. Yes, I counted it.
It's easy for some. I tried 5 times, 3 days every time. Gave up on the 4th day, asked to rest by mom because when only she is noticing your - darkening dark circles, turned on lights at 4 in the morning, consistent not talking to anybody at home, buying more and more over-sized clothes and getting them altered for just in case you turn more fat so you can get them loosen up a little in the months to come to fit into them, any concerned mom would ask you to rest. My mom also loves me no matter how chubby (no self body shaming) I get. And then there was Pasta ordered as a symbol of love by my mom. No hard feelings, I love her the most for loving me always and always understanding my love for food over everything in life. C'mon I asked her, "Mumma but what will we eat till you stay at the hospital" when she was in labour during my younger brother's birth. She knows it. Nobody else knows or can understand my emotions with food better than her.
And then from bulging out belly fat to pehenwan jaise bare biceps in sleevless dresses to stopping to breathe while taking pictures to using apps to fix side body fat to a slow and steady discomfort in taking pictures to not liking pictures that others take because motape-ki-reality is not easy to accept to turn nervous even to smile because multiple fat-shaming thoughts running in your mind while there's somebody with a camera in hand handing you the phone saying 'Bohot le li, aur nahi bas ki' while I was still not satisfied with any single picture kyuki aise fake smiling pictures ki aadat nahi thi na.
I never wanted to be hot, not beautiful, not glamorous, not pleasing or any of those words. I just liked to get dressed up all good and comfortably decent with a chataak lipstic (Because I love it and not because I seek complements) and be HAPPY. But as far as the hotness and outside beauty was degrading (because Fat-aa-paa) from already zero level towards the negative lines, my happiness level started to fall down. And nothing but that impacted me the most. You know what- it's easy to say that I love myself but if you know me even a teeny tiny bit, you must know that I LOVE MYSELF to the core and beyond that, that knowing that I am not happy broke me up every single day.
And then it wasn't 'fat' that was the problem, it was more of why is it impacting my happiness level kyuki utni bhi moti nahi hu mai. It is a shitty reason but it's not when combined with multiple disasters taking place in your life side by side. Overthinking everything worsened it all. A few more happennings that I don't think will fit well in this particular blog because 'attached sentiments'.
Present day LIFE update-
- I've started dieting. Not hard core dieting but light diet. I eat healthy all day, skip having roti in dinner, eat everything I want to one day every week.
- Dalhousie and a few painted stones at Zostel particularly motivated me to paint. I have painted quite a lot in the last few days, it has really helped me lighten up my mood.
- After repetedly watching FRIENDS for n number of times, I saw it all twice during that phase and it was the only great part about that time but I have now started watching The Modern Family and anyone and everyone who thinks that they have a special place in their heart for their family must watch it. I'm on season-2 episode-12. I hope I finish it unlike all those half read books.
- I have self improvement plans for the coming time. I hope I have the mood to keep the zeal alive.
- I have shed 3 kgs in a few days and might have gained back 0.5 kg today. Silly Bhukkad me!
- I don't want a full length solo till I'm back to my real smiling self. Clicking everyday happy selfies is boosting me up kyuki- I know, smile meri kaatilaana toh hai. Tumhare liye na sahi! Mere liye.
- Painting has helped me really really reallllllly to a great extent. If you have any spare and empty liquor bottles, please donate. I'll paint them nice and gift them back to you. ❤️
- I understand that health is important but not at the cost of taking away your happiness. But you know what, my love for myself is beyond every craving I've ever had. And this self realisation is something I had recently. So, the diet. And not because I was turning fat. Because a few extra pounds wasn't hurting but a hurt heart was hurting more.
After a month of self-help, I think I'm almost back on my kinda life track. Hoping to be back 100% soon for the sake of my own self because I know nobody's waiting. And that's the best part of self healing.
Working towards living a happy life. If you've reached till the end, please don't comment. I appreciate that you stopped by! ❤️
-Almost Happy
Mani
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