Am I Alive?

16th June 2013

Dear Kanta,

We had a peaceful time at Kedarnath as well but the weather here is not that great. The locals said that it might rain today. We’ll be leaving in an hour or more.

I will write all the details of this journey once I’ll reach home. Till then, miss me. I miss you.

Bubye!

***

Agarwal wasn’t well enough to travel alone in that deteriorating weather so I decided to take him on the horse ride rather than coming down walking with Birju and Mastaan. I wish I knew how adversely that decision will cost me.

In order to help Agarwal consult a doctor before finally taking our taxi back home, we departed an hour before Birju and Mastaan. I think that was the decision that reversed my destiny.

It took minutes to convert the lovely cloudy sky into a horrific stormy one. I felt a sense of shiver going down my spine as soon as I had a look at the fearing sky. I remember calling Kul to tell him that there was something wrong with the weather and I might not be able to contact him or anyone in the family due to signal failure.

What instigated as strong winds and drizzles of rain transformed into the worst storm and I saw it all happening in front of my eyes. It all seemed like a worst nightmare, but I could feel all that happening with me.

The wind was no longer blowing; it started screaming and together with it started the screaming of everyone witnessing it. The trees no longer swayed but instead were creaking, bending and uprooting from theirr oiginal positions and then it started raining heavily. Even shelters didn’t seem safe as the weather turned worse with each passing second. There was nothing that any of us could do as the storm was teared apart everything that took decades to get developed. Communication, lightning and strength, it all broke down and I could see the rivers alongside swelling to give rise to a more threatening consequence.

I was almost out of my senses and didn’t realize that I was no longer with Agarwal. I was not in a condition to think of him as I was losing support of my own mind. In the lap of god, each and every human present there was asking for his mercy and strength to face it.

I was surrounded with darkness, a deep sense of fear and then it all started drifting apart. Suddenly all what I felt was lightness. Yes, I started feeling very light, I no longer felt fearful, nor that darkness frightened me anymore. Besides, I started feeling a strange sense of contentment which was long missing from my life. Rising above those haunted memories, I was no longer able to listen to the shrieks of those around me.

It was strange. A few minutes back, I was shivering with fear, fear of losing thousands of those around me and fear of losing my own self but then, it all went away, I was feeling satisfied and relieved and fearless.

And then, I could see my family in front of my eyes. I felt as if I reached home. Though I wanted to enquire about the three of them but my body wanted to rest which was why I decided to ask about them after I regain my senses and strength.

I was about to sleep when I felt like I was surrounded with extreme bright lightning. The light was slowly engulfing me within and that was when I asked my own self, "Am I alive?". Steadily, I realized departing away from my own body. I could feel rising above realizing the ultimate truth that I died.

***

I not only died that day but my life also became a mystery for my family. They might still be confused of my whereabouts of whether I am alive or not, of whether I died because of the rainfall or my panic attacks killed me way before the monstrous river could. I don't know what happened with Agarwal, Mastaan and Birju but I know I am no more. I think my wish of meeting Kanta was fulfilled much before my expectations. 

"After spending two years of my life without you, I hope spending my life after death right next to you here on the front wall of our bedroom", said I to her photoframe from my photoframe on the left.

***

PS: This is an imaginary depiction of my Daddu's true story. We lost him in the Kedarnath tragedy that took place on June  16th, 2013. He was very fond of telling stories and even ended up giving us one more story with his mysterious death. ♥